I'm falling swiftly into a deep depression. I'm desperately trying to fight it off. Do I force myself out of bed, exercise, eat whole foods and stay on task to avoid that overwhelmed feeling? Or do give into my vices and comfort myself, binge on chocolate...stay in bed, rest and wait it out?
Of course I know what the 'right thing to do' would be. It's plan A.) stay healthy, stay motivated... Be happy! But that's the funny thing about depression. I'm beginning to feel like I have no choice in the matter. I can hardly bring myself to leave the house. I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to bother getting dressed or applying a touch make-up. Heck, I don't even want to brush the gnarly dreadlock that used to be my hair.
Yesterday was my Brother's Birthday. He would have been 36. He died nearly two years ago- there's this window of should've beens that haunt me. I guess I'm just one of those people, anniversaries and significant dates just stick with me on an emotional level. I went through this last year as well. Without anticipating the day, it hit me then stayed with me as my mind played 'this time last year..' games on myself.
On January 21st he turned 34. Sometime during the night on February 14th he found his escape.
I was knee deep in my own turmoil. Financial pressures, my marriage in shambles and depression mixed with my daily struggles with chronic pain and fibromyalgia engulfed my life. I remember wanting to do more to help him. I felt so powerless seeing his pain and troubles yet being unable to help.
If I have but one regret it's that I didn't ask for his help more often. Maybe if he knew how much we needed him, maybe he'd still be here today.
I miss him terribly.
What I really want to do is spend the day in bed crying. But there's work to be done. Orders to be filled, emails to be answered. And so I (gently) press on.
I found myself in my studio and the strangest feeling came over me. I was for a moment happy. When I'm painting I'm at peace with the world, with my inner demons. All is well, all is one.
I stop and the thick viscous sludge of depression oozes over my shoulders, down my spine.
So I move onto the next project... Reclaim my solace. As I tidy up my workspace, organizing my paints... my mind is still.
And so it's decided.
I take it easy, eat whole foods, sleep in if the family lets me and spend more time making art.
Tomorrow, I begin anew.
Next year, the 21st; my Brother's Birthday will still hold significance- however January 22nd will be the day I celebrate my first leap into my new-self journey.
I'm challenging myself- to make something, to be creative everyday. To stop beating myself up with negativity and foods that harm.
It's time for this heart and this body to heal.